198: David Hiatt: At what point am I going to take myself seriously

198: David Hiatt: At what point am I going to take myself seriously

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Jim Rembach:     Okay Fast Leader legion today I’m excited because I have somebody on the show today who’s going to help us with something that is fundamental to our success. David Hyatt was born and raised in the suburbs of Dayton, Ohio and being a native Ohioan it was only natural for him to get his communications degree from the Ohio State University. The next step was to get married and have two sons. When the marriage ended David went to United Theological Seminary earning a master’s degree in communications. David comes from an interesting family mom and dad divorced when he was five years of age the interesting part is that dad raised him while marrying and divorcing three more times before David graduated from college mom moved south and married twice more.

This dynamic made for many siblings in the process. With this family dynamic David learned early how to adapt and deal with other people. This naturally led him to pursue his education in communication and a minor in psychology getting along with and communicating with a wide range of people was natural for him. David’s first job was in sales where he sold life insurance. Then moving on to general insurance and eventually selling radio advertising. It was at that point when he got into training other people in sales and communications. This became a skill set and he was very good at it and getting people to grow and develop. For the past 25 years he has made it his mission to help as many people as possible to communicate in more effective ways in sales, business and their personal lives. David is the 

International training director for global accounts at Sandler training and author of, From the Boardroom to the living-room Communicate with skill for Positive Outcomes.  Where he captures the essence of powerful communication tactics he trains business leaders to deploy in sales and negotiation settings. David has lived in Las Vegas for the past 15 years he and his wife will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary this September. David Hiatt, are you ready to help us get over the hump? 

David Hiatt:     I am ready Jim when you are. 

Jim Rembach:     I’m glad you’re here. Now given my legion a little bit about you but can you share what your current passion is so that we can get to know you even better. 

David Hiatt:     I think my current passion has stayed pretty steady over the last 25 years and it is basically to help people communicate more effectively. Because I have found that most of our issues most of our problems stem from a lack of communication which means a lack of understanding a lack of clarity of what the other person’s message mean or doesn’t mean. So that passion is still alive and still on fire for me. 

Jim Rembach:     Well and even going through the book—I started really getting the sense that—it’s almost like learning music to me, and I’m not a musician, but to me it’s like, okay, if I want it to sound good I need to know these certain elements in order to be able to put it all together to make something that is pleasing. 

David Hiatt:     That is absolutely a good analogy. I also missed the music Jim in my family everyone else has it I think I caught that communication bug. The idea that just because we say it they don’t necessarily hear what we thought we said. I learned that very early with the multiple situations I found myself in with the different dynamics that were constantly going on. So by accident I really needed to make sure I understood what the direction was so that I could then make sure I accomplished whatever they were asking me to do or whatever I needed to be done. So I didn’t know what that really was until I got into the communication field and realized it was just basically clarifying the message the other person is sending. 

Jim Rembach:     And also the whole psychology component when you overlay that to me I think that’s a powerful combination. Even for me when I have had the opportunity to have a good sales experience, I did not even think about customer service but even a good sales experience often times I’ll ask folks what was their major? What are their experiences? And I especially like to do it to the young folks. I have found a really odd number of folks that say, oh, well I majored in business and minored in psychology.

David Hiatt:     Yeah, and it was really by accident that I got the minor in psychology it’s simply because I took one of those courses and liked it I thought it was very fascinating and interesting it’s amazing how it has served me over the years. It reminds me of taking typing class in high school little did I know how that skill set would come handy in the future with all our computerization and things. And it’s really the same thing with that communication model and things. It’s amazing how that psychology has just in so many ways helped me understand number one me and what’s going on in my head but number two to give people a break to realize that from a psychological perspective we’re not all in the same places. 

Jim Rembach:     I can see by looking at the way that you’ve laid out the book those two things have manifests themselves. Like in chapter one you talked about the need, so we have to identify the importance and be able to talk about working towards progress. You talk about the skills the art of mutual agreement, questions and listening and talking, the attitude, emotional involvement, the outcomes, growing together, keep talking and one part that I really liked because to me I want to find out why you made the appendix but it’s the art of de-escalation. So why was that in the appendix?

David Hiatt:     Well that was interesting. I had finished the book without that and as you know the process of writing a book is if you’re going to do it well there’s a team effort in it and so once I pretty much had those outlined and had the content there as we were talking with some of the other folks as were editing and looking at things someone just happen to say, how do you really de-escalate? Because there’s a couple stories in there about some situations that could have escalated into some real conflict but how do you really do it? I think that last one was sort of just a question that just grew in to that appendix. I sort of shared that with you, can you put that on the paper and let’s add that in? I think there was a story that was involved in that appendix of how to de-escalate and the person involved but it’s a way you know what as soon as people read that they’ll know who I am. I’ve set three hats of them reading the book are slim to none (7:22 inaudible) so don’t worry about it. 

Jim Rembach:     That’s a good point. There’s also some really interesting points for me you can call them aha or epiphanies whatever but in one part you talked about the acknowledging of the opinion of others. And you talked about acknowledging the opinion of others doesn’t have to do anything with the fact that you agree with them. Because we all have opinions based on what we believe to be true and that opinions is not right or wrong they’re just that. And opinions are formed when information gets filtered through a person’s belief systems and experiences and I think that’s really key to remember. We all don’t have those same experiences and so when people are engaged in conversation that’s really the back story that we’re all kind of getting visualizations into. 

David Hiatt:     I think part of the yelling that goes on so much in today’s quote communication world is the fact that people don’t feel that they’re being heard. Now I’m not talking about the people that really aren’t communicating well what they’re saying is nothing, really there’s nothing there to be heard it’s just an emotional outburst, I’m talking about the sincere people that truly have an opinion and it’s thought out it’s based on their experiences. Because we’re all born Jim we do not have any beliefs so everything that we are championing that we’re out there fighting for has been something that we throughout our life have acquired as something that we hold near and dear. 

I always urge people to do a belief inventory. How many of your beliefs are really yours based on your experience and what to be true versus coming from other folks? In other words—mom, dad, grandpa the coach and you pick that up and it morphed into something that when you really think about it isn’t really helping you. But if you can allow people to acknowledge that belief and actually listen to it don’t argue with it just acknowledge a belief they feel heard and that’s going to give you a much better chance to have a dialogue with them about perhaps changing that belief or at least being open-minded that what I’m trying to share could be an option or could be true. 

Jim Rembach:     I think that’s a really important point. And you actually have in here a couple examples on things that people can do in order to help with that de-escalation or maybe even cause a pause or a break. I remember my wife and will be celebrating our 25th anniversary this fall and when we first had gotten married I remember she would not allow me to leave a conversation that we were having that got heated and I’m like, look if you don’t let me step away we’re really going to have some fireworks. I grew up with three brothers just outside of Chicago, on the south side, I said if you want to go toe-to-toe I can do that and I’ll rip you apart. Not meaning that I want to do that it’s just that I can because that’s kind of where I came from. 

David Hiatt:     Yeah. Was there any de-escalation tactic in there that jumped out at you as you were looking through it? 

Jim Rembach:     Well I like that you have several things that are examples when you talk talking about the heat of the moment. You have several things that could be said like one here, I really think I need to need a little bit of time to process what you’ve said. If it’s alright with you I’m just going to take a break and I will re-engage with you tomorrow in the morning so that we can work this out. So you give kind of a framework and understanding to talk about—first of all you need to recognize the emotional component but then you also need to have some type of commitment on when you’re going to come back and convene so you’re sitting in expectation. 

David Hiatt:     I’m not just walking away Jim and saying the heck with it. I’m saying right now I am not—my dedication the book she’s put up with all this. I remember when we were first together and something that happened there was a conflict and she just came at me with wild emotional I remember she what she said, I don’t do this. If this is the kind of relationship you’re expecting then I’m not the guy you want to continue dating because that’s just not going to accomplish anything. So we sort of set that up early. That doesn’t mean we never had any conflicts or we never had any arguments. A good example was a couple weeks ago she said to me, we need to have a conversation about this. And I was not in the frame of mind to have that conversation and because there was going to have an emotions attached to it and I just simply said, you know what? I’m just not in a place where that conversation makes sense right now. Can we put it off and till I get back from the trip? Now of course when you get back from the trip guess what’s happened? It’s not near the issue that it was at the moment when she was upset about it. So now what happens is the conversation either doesn’t even happen because they’re no longer needed or it’s a much gentler conversation any conflict that would have come from it is gone. 

Jim Rembach:     You’ve also established the agreement that if you say that she needs to respect that and that’s eventually where my wife and I have got to it’s like, look you’ve got to give me the opportunity to step away. There was a study that I was reading—because one of the things that you didn’t cover here and I’d be interesting to know if there’s some research that’s been done in this talking about how emotions affect IQ. Because the emotional centers of your brain are going to hijack your IQ and so therefore how many times have we all gotten into heated conversations and later on you’re like, gosh, I forgot to say this and it’s because that happens in your brain. 

David Hiatt:     It happens all the time. I know at some point you’re probably going to ask me the question what kind of book would I recommend? Since you’ve asked the question there’s a great book by a guy named Daniel Kahneman and it’s called, Thinking Fast and Slow. It’s a bit of a tough read but it really answers your question about what part of the brain, I allude to it briefly, in the book and that one’s example of Thinking Fast and Slow. When you think fast that’s usually your amygdala it’s that fight-or-flight stuff emotions go as opposed to your slower thinking pre-cortex brain that allows you to think things through better make better decisions and better choices. That book is an awesome book and it cites all kinds of research on exactly what you’re talking about. 

Jim Rembach:     Well, in addition to that there’s also an age thing associated that in regards to that prefrontal cortex and when it actually gets developed and it’s not until our 20’s and stuff so when you’re having those arguments with those teenagers you’re like, I don’t even know how you could be thinking that? It’s because it hasn’t been developed yet. 

David Hiatt:     Their brains not wired to do anything else.

Jim Rembach:     Exactly. There’s another part and I think you kind of touched on this a moment ago but to me I see that this particular tool could be valuable in a lot of different ways and it’s called the interpersonal relationship developer. To me one of the things I think we fail to realize is that when we’ve worked with somebody for quite a while it’s really almost like being they’re family member and we can essentially r get to relax with certain things but not go to the point to where we are creating a deeper connection and bond with them. So it’s kind of like, we’re partway there, and to me it’s a lot of vulnerability that could take place with that. But this interpersonal relationship developer I think would be an awesome joint tool to work with somebody on to create—for me I’d like to take this with my wife. 

David Hiatt:     We actually put that in there to do some things but as we did it I gave that circle example of each of us being our own individual circles and how as you build that relationship. It’s not the extinguishing of one of the circles that does not create a relationship it’s the growing of each individual. And as you overlap in your relationship as long as you’re both growing the relationship is growing. The problem becomes when one person grows the other person necessarily doesn’t and considers their whole being as part of the other person’s or the other person continues to grow and that common relationship overlap gets smaller and smaller in which now it makes the communication more difficult it makes the understanding more difficult because you’re no longer sharing the common things. When you come back and you each share the day and that overlap grows when one person just waits for the other person, because that’s their everything relationships have a real tough time growing. 

Jim Rembach:     That’s a good point. So what we’re talking about here both in the board room and in the living room is just riddled with emotion and passion. And one of the things that we look forward on the show to help us focus in the right direction or quotes. Is there a quote or two that you like to do you can share? 

David Hiatt:     Well, yeah, there is. I’m going to attribute it to a minister that I knew way back in my 20s. She looked at me and she was just as sincere as could be and she just said, David, now that you know better act like it. Because knowing better is not necessarily doing better. And so that quote has just stuck with me for years and years and years as I learned things and I find myself falling short. I’ve written this book you always like to write the book because I messed it up most the time as I went through it. Now that I know better act like it. 

Jim Rembach:     I like that quote. 

David Hiatt:     That’s a huge one for me. 

Jim Rembach:     That’s a really good quote, I like that I’m going to have to borrow that one myself. I know when you started talking about that—time with the family, upbringing, talking about teaching other people I find that one of the reasons why I became certified in emotional intelligence is to be better at some of the things that you’re writing about in this book because I find that going back and having reflection upon my own life it’s like, well this is where I struggled. So I think a lot of times where we struggle is often times where we want to, first of all, have our self get better at that. And then also we want others to not feel the same pain and we have to help them. But we have to go through humps in order to figure those things out and I’m sure there’s several that you’ve been over that you could probably share. But is there one that kind of stands out to you that will help us?  

David Hiatt:     There’s so many and as you go through your life. I think there was a point where you have to decide what you’re going to do when you grow up. Okay, I didn’t really get to that point really until my late 30’s because I did a lot of different jobs lot of it sales jobs a lot of different things that’s where I really got into the training and doing the different things. But I think the real hump for me was when some friends convinced me to enter this speaking contest the speech contest, if you’re a good speaker you got to do that thing. And I sort of did it halfway, frank of my buddies wanted me to, but when I got it I thought, at what point am I going to take myself seriously and really grow up and do something of excellence? And so I thought, you know what? This is going to be my touch stone I’m going to do this and see what really happens. 

And it was tough because that’s the first time I really sat down and planned out what I was going to do where I really sat down and practiced it beyond just the normal yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it I’m just going to wing it. I really had to sit down and take a skill assessment, can I really do this? How am I going to do this? And go through complete it and do it. It was an arduous kind of process because once you won at the local you had to go to the regional or the state to the national and I ended up winning the national competition, as many years ago, but that’s the hump of taking it seriously. I got to grow up I’ve got to get serious about what I’m doing I was a late bloomer in that right. That that happened early it still didn’t really affect me until I decided to grow up, which was about 10 years later, and I thought, what am I really good at? Well, I’m really good at affecting people to deliver a message that can help them do better in their life to feel better in their life and that’s what I got real serious. For the last 25 years it’s it has been my passion absolutely. 

Jim Rembach:     Thanks for sharing that to me I can find myself in that story quite a bit as well talking about that taking a while to figure things out and where you need to focus and making it some commitment having some strategy around it and being able to execute tactically and I always say that of the one of the quotes that I like is that the Lord didn’t give us youth and wisdom at the same time. So we have to go through several of these humps in order to kind of figure these things out so that’s why we like sharing them on the show and thanks for doing that. So when you start talking about where you are right now and I know at one time you had your own Sandler franchise and now you’re moving and you’re working with Global and you’re trying to of course help others with this you have the book but when you start thinking about all these goals that you have, what’s one of them?

David Hiatt:     Well, one of them is to touch as many people not just business people but as many people as I possibly can in a positive way. Again, positive outcomes and communication is probably the one way. If you can get your communication skills down if you can get more positive outcomes even it means getting a no, you’re not the one for me or no you’re not the product for me that’s still a win so it’s still a positive outcomes with we can get to the positive outcomes quicker in our relationships then my belief is people end up doing better. 

Jim Rembach:     And the Fast Leader Legion wishes you the very best. Now before we move on let’s get a quick word from our sponsor. 

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Jim Rembach:     Alright, here we go Fast Leader Legion it’s time for the Hump day Hoedown. Okay, David, the Hump day Hoedown is a part of our show where you give us good insights fast. So I’m going to ask you several questions and your job is to give us robust yet rapid responses that are going to help us move onward and upward faster. David Hiatt, are you ready to hoedown? 

David Hiatt:     I’m ready. 

Jim Rembach:     Alright. What do you think is holding you back from being an even better leader today? 

David Hiatt:     Complacency. I’m living a pretty darn good life doing what I love doing. I’ve just had some conversations with some of my Sandler cohorts to look at some other directions that can motivate me but I think what’s really been an issue for the last probably 12 months is complacency. 

Jim Rembach:     What is the best leadership advice you have ever received? 

David Hiatt:     Best leadership advice I ever received was from a football coach named Lou Holtz. He was speaking at an event, a luncheon event, and that’s when I first heard that prior planning prevents poor performance. And I’m telling you that has stuck with me my whole life, it’s so true.

Jim Rembach:     What is one of your secrets that you believe contributes to your success?

David Hiatt:     Letting other people help because. We can never do it alone. None of us get through this alone and when we really can step back and allow other people to truly help us, because they want to, I think that’s huge. 

Jim Rembach:     What do you feel is one of your best tools that helps you lead in business or life? 

David Hiatt:     Listening to understand rather than listening to respond. 

Jim Rembach:     What is one book, you actually mentioned that book let’s mention it again. 

David Hiatt:     I did. It was, Thinking Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman. 

Jim Rembach:     Okay Fast Leader Legion you could find links to that and other bonus information from today’s show by going to fastleader.net/davidhiatt, and of course we’ll put a link to, From the Boardroom to the Living Room, on the show notes page as well.  Okay David, this is my last hump day hoedown question. Imagine you were given the opportunity to go back to the age of 25, and you’ve been given the opportunity to take the knowledge and skills that you have now back with you but you can’t take everything back you can only choose one. So what skill or piece of knowledge would you take back with you and why?

David Hiatt:     Well, I’ve got it narrowed down to two. First would be listen to clarify. The second one would be behave my way to success. They might be related but I think I’m going to go with behave my way to success figuring out what I really needed to do. It goes part of that plan that all those things all fit together they’re not the vacuum. But I think early especially in my 20s as I was dabbling in different things and different careers and doing things I think just doing more of the right behavior in the right amounts at the right time and for the right reasons. 

Jim Rembach:     David, it was an honor to spend time with you today can you please share with the Fast Leader Legion how they can connect with you? 

David Hiatt:     Pretty simple, you can dehiatt@sandler.com, it’s probably the easiest way. 

Jim Rembach:     David Hiatt, thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom the Fast Leader legion honors you and thanks for helping us get over the hump? Woot! Woot!

Thank you for joining me on the fast leader show today. For recaps, links from every show special offers and access to download and subscribe, if you haven’t already, head on over the fastleader.net so we can help you move onward and upward faster.

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